I am not quite sure how this blog posting got started, but it has rolled around in my head for the last couple of days and it is taking on a life of its own. I think it is time that I pull it from my head and make a little more room in there for the things I really should be thinking about instead of the things that I really want to be thinking about. I think that I can actually credit another blogger with giving me the idea, but I just wanted to expand on it a little more. It is fascinating to me, I hope that it makes sense to all of you.
We bottoms are a funny lot, aren’t we? No, really, sometimes I can understand why it confuses the person who is topping, esp. if they are newer to it. In almost every aspect of my life I am a very plainspoken person. What I mean by that is simply that what I mean to say I just say.
If I like blue, I will say “I like blue”. If I am tired, I will say “I am tired”. In no instance when I am hungry will I say “please don’t feed me” or “I don’t feel like eating, please don’t make me”. I have never stayed home hoping that someone else would “make” me get up and get out. That is just not my style. As a matter of fact, I can’t think of anyone that is that way, top, bottom, switch, whatever.
Why is it, then, that when it comes to spanking, the story changes so?
Really. There are times that I honestly want to be hauled across a lap and “dealt with”. There are times that I will work very hard to get there. (I am told that is called “bratting”, although this is the first time in life I have ever been called that) That isn’t surprising to me. Really. Surprise, surprise, someone with a fetish for spanking wants to be spanked. Yeah. That’s a no-brainer, for sure.
What I find so intriguing is that after I work very hard to get there, I will immediately throw the system in reverse and try to get away from there. What the hell?? Does that make any sense at all? No. No it does not. None, nada, nope, uh-uh.
The process is really pretty much the same no matter what the circumstances are. There is always a bit of expository, you know, the stuff that sets the stage. Then there is the catalyst, the thing (or action) that sets everything in motion. Threats are delivered and generally not heeded (well, it’s true). Then there is the repeat of the original catalyst or if I am feeling particularly crafty, perhaps a completely different catalyst. Aha. Then there is the moment that I know action is pending (this is generally the “you’re getting it now” moment). Up until this point, it is all completely logical and makes perfect sense. Here is the curve ball: The next thing that happens is I begin to backpaddle. Bargain. Plead, promise, beg, what-have-you, all to get out of the thing that I worked so damn hard to get into. (now really, does that make sense to anyone?) Where it goes from there varies from situation to situation. Let me tell you where it needs to go, because that is the point.
When someone (…like me, perhaps) has worked very hard to get to this point what they don’t want you to do is back down. They don’t really want mercy in most cases. They don’t want a second chance, they really don’t. I know I don’t. What I want is for the person in charge of the situation (which should not be me, by the way) to tell me that I have no choice but to take what I have coming. Period.
I don’t want to be allowed to wiggle my way out of it, at least most times. Really. There is really no substitute for the rush of feelings that I get when I hear those words. W-O-W. I don’t want an empty threat. I want to hear what the limits are, then I want them enforced, and that is true about 98% of the time. I think this is true of most bottoms, I know it is for me. I have heard others who bottom make similar remarks, and that leads me to believe that most feel the same way.
What I don’t understand is why I feel the need to “test” the resolve of the person that is topping. Why? I am not sure about others, but for me, I think it has to do with limits and boundaries. I am a curious person by nature. In a real life example, as a child, when I was about 5, my mother was ironing (back in the day when laundry was still ironed) and she had set the iron on the counter to cool while she went to hang up the freshly ironed clothes.
I was running around the kitchen, chasing her heels as always. Mom knew me so well. She turned to me and said very seriously “now, don’t touch that iron, honey, its hot and you’ll get burned.” Really? She should have known better. As soon as she left the room, would you like to take a bet on what happened? If you guessed “a” she touched the iron anyway, just to see if it really was hot”, you would be absolutely correct. Sigh. Such has always been my way, I’m afraid. I am not sure which I should find to be more disturbing, the fact that I still have to test what I am told, or the fact that given the chance I will try to get out of the comeuppance that I owe. I don’t press the limits to misbehave, at least most of the time. It is usually just that I want to know, I have to know. Not knowing makes me crazy. I have to know if the iron is really hot, or are you just telling me that.
So here is the advice I leave you with, and anyone should feel free to correct me if I am wrong:
I may/will do exactly what I am told not to just to see what happens.
I am generally completely aware when I am misbehaving.
I am generally not really sorry that I ever misbehaved in the first place, no matter what I say.
I will try to get out of “paying up” when the time is at hand
I don’t really want to get out of “paying up”, I just want to see if I can get out of it.
I want the boundaries clear and I want them enforced, almost always.
Ha ha ha. I know it doesn’t really make sense, but I think what it really comes down to is that I always want to see what happens, whether it is that the outcome is what I am told it will be or if it is just that I want to know if you will do what you say you will. It really is always the same old thing. I’m just pushing my luck.
Furthermore, and for the record, I might be a brat. I am not sure just yet. I have it on good authority that I am. I’m still trying to figure out how to see for sure or not… ;-)